Tuesday, March 16, 2010

(all the single ladies, all the single ladies)

so, i am back from a whirlwind, month long trip across the country and i have seen a lot of things. a lot. and traveling with cuban friends helps you see things that the average traveler just doesn’t see. things that are right in front of you. i suppose that’s the case when you spend time with a local person anywhere but for me, uncovering some of the mysteries of navigating life in a communist country is seemingly a little more complicated than where to find the best juice or hottest salsa club. and for me, far more important. having said all of that, i really pondered on where to start my tale of fidel’s fine land and i think i will start with the unwavering desperation of people to get the hell out of here. and what they will do to get the hell out of here. it’s a lot. i recently spent a saturday night with a group of young-ish cuban men and was dismayed at how very desperate they were to be free of what they feel are the shackles of communist life. one young man ran his elevator eyes over me and exclaimed, “hmmmmm, i usually like skinny blondes but you’re canadian, right? you’ll do”. well, muchas gracias.

here is how i might imagine an ad on lavalife-cuba looking:

gender: male
age: 28
occupation: bio chemist (by day), raging, homicidal dissident (by night)
salary: $11 per month

hobbies: repairing my bike with picture wire that came from the portrait of my grandmother in 1932, drawing stick figures of government officials and setting them on fire, pondering another creative way to make rice and beans super delectable, fixing my 8 year old flip flops with duct tape and lying in my bedroom that i share with my six siblings and dreaming of a land that allows a bio chemist to afford to have a bedroom without six siblings in it.

profile: ladies, i am the man for you! i am looking for a (preferably desperate), attractive (but you don’t have to be that attractive) woman to share my life with. i will take you out (well, you’ll pay for everything) and show you a good time and tell you all about how completely miserable my life is and how insanely fraught with anxiety i am about getting the hell out of this country. i will tell you anything you want to hear and promise you that i will stay with you for life if you just marry me and bring me to your country that i hear is “the most beautiful country in the world”. i will make you feel like a princess and even though i will likely split as soon as you get me to your native land, the sex will be hot and we’ll salsa dance into the night. so, pick me, pick me! don’t be swayed by the thousands of other tight pant wearing sweet talkers on the street, i’m for real!


fact: if you walk down the streets of havana, on most street corners (especially in the tourists areas) you will see jineteros/jineteras (hustlers) doing what they do best, hustling. some will manhandle you in the most obvious of ways and you’ll keep walking and others….well, they are no chumps in the art of persuasion. you’ll have your pants and your bank card in their hands in a matter of moments and you won’t see it coming from a mile away. as you wander this fine city, you’ll see young taye diggs looking black men running their hands through the hair of older heavy-set white women, young (i am talking as young as 14 sometimes), beautiful, cuban woman with their tits high, asses on display like a candy store, hair in a fancy giant flower and smellin’ real good, laughing and canoodling with wrinkly ooooooold men who can only create a bulge down below by the size of their wallets. they will not only canoodle with them, they will have sexual intercourse with them. like, again and again and again! why? because life for them here is so full of misery and discontentment that they would rather sacrifice themselves to these shamefully desperate men than spend another day in what feels like a prison to most people here. it’s said that only 5% of cuban/foreign relationships are based on real affection and emotional connection. 50% of the population is said to be hustling foreigners and of the other 50% actually going to work everyday, any of them can easily be lured into these types of relationships if they see the opportunity. what saddens me the most is that of the cubans i have met, are some of the kindest, most generous and loving people around. but, this life, the desperation here really messes with the ability for some of them to form meaningful, genuine relationships because the lure of the dollar is just too great. and too necessary. i met a really lovely, loving couple recently who although very much in love, supported one of them forming a relationship with a foreigner in the hopes that one day, down the road, it will help them all get out. so, ladies, if you’re spinning wildly out of control in love with a cuban man, make sure his really sweet sister that you met isn’t actually his wife. kids start to hustle as young as 14-15 but the majority of people hit the streets around 20, when they have finished their education and realize that being a biochemist lands you a salary of 11 bucks a month.

you know, i am pretty sure that if i was a cuban bio chemist working 12 hours a day for a tenner, i’d be puttin’ on my best push up bra and lip gloss, saddling up to a drunk old tourist and closing my eyes. tight.

want more wacky cuban adventures? well, hold on for more….

• why being too hot on the beach gets you arrested. literally.


PS: This is totally unrelated but I have to tell you – the other night I went to buy a drink and was waiting patiently for my change of 75 cents. I waited and waited and when she finally returned she said in Spanish “sorry, we don’t have any change but here, take this instead” and dumped a pile of pina colada flavoured hard candies on the counter. Need I say more?

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